come clean

There's only one thing that i tried to hide in front of everyone, i told everyone that I'm totally fine but the truth is I'm totally broken. My last relationship with the biggest coward alive, which name is O... really hurt me as hell, yes even till now...

This day, I thought that I'm ready for a whole new relationship but then i realize that I'm afraid, I'm not even ready at all. I still feel the pain, ibarat hati gue ancur kelindes vespa bututnya dia gitu lho, fuck you asshole. He ran away from me like I'm the worst woman alive, like I've done something terrible. He even don't wanna see me, padahal gue cuma mau minta maaf karena gak bisa jadi yang terbaik... damn, it hurts me as hell. 

I don't wish him bad, or even well. But karma is a bitch baby, it'll slap you harder than ever. And I'll be there laughing my ass hard, i never felt so much hatred till now. You were the only one I'm searching for but well you leave me without explanation. I realize now that you are not even worth the love. Bahkan anjing kampung pun lebih pantas buat disayang daripada lo to :)

Gema tentang Tara

Gema tentang Tara..

Sebenarnya ngga ada yang benar-benar special dari seorang Tara. Gema terlalu malas untuk mengakui bahwa gadis itu memiliki mata  yang membulat mempesona, atau lesung pipitnya yang tersungging menggemaskan.
Sejak mereka bertemu di pameran seni tahun lalu, dunia Gema rasanya jumpalitan.
Tahun lalu ia mendapati Tara tengah asik mengamati lukisannya. Lukisan sederhana yang ia kerjakan dengan susah payah, hanya coretan-coretan kasar tak bermakna, setidaknya bagi yang melihatnya. Namun Tara berbeda...

"Hei.. ngelamunin apa sih lo? gue dari tadi ngomong ngga di dengerin??". Gema terusik dari lamunannya dan mendapati Tara tengah duduk di sebelahnya. tangannya terlipat di dada, memberengut.

"Ngelamun apaan?siapa yang ngelamun. ngomong apa tadi, Ra?" tanya Gema lembut.

"Tuh kan beneran ngga di dengerin!!Ardi, Ma. Ardi!! dia ngajak jalan besok. Gue jawab apa dong??," Tara menunjukkan handphone nya yang berisi LINE dari Ardi dengan gemas. "Lo kan gitu sih suka ngga dengerin kalo gue ngomong. sebel deh!"

"Ardi mantan lo itu kan? yaudah jalan aja. daripada lo disini gangguan gue ngelukis," jawab Gema santai.

"Ah lo mah ga asik! gue males nih.. aduh gimana dong jadi bingung gue," Tara kini sudah beranjak dari kursinya dan berjalan mondar mandir di hadapan Gema.

"Duduk, Ra! kebiasaan deh lo ngga bisa diem banget," dengan lembut di raih nya tangan Tara agar kembali duduk. "Udah jalan aja kalo lo mau, kalo lo ngga mau ya gausah, ribet deh cewe!" katanya acuh.

"Selalu kan lo bawa-bawa gender! yaudah iya gue jalan sama Ardi biar lo puas!besok gue jalan sama Ardi!," Tara cemberut kesal. Gema tuh ngga ngerti dia banget sih!

"Ngambek kan. cewe kan emang!," dengan gemas di cubitnya pipi Tara. Lalu ia cekikan sendiri.
"Apasih?? norak deh lo suka sok imut kan lo," namun diam-diam Tara tersenyum dalam hati.

"Jadi bener nih gue jalan aja sama Ardi besok? yakin nih bener nih?? ngga nyesel nih? serius nih?". Cerewet sekali memang wanita satu ini.

Gema menatap Tara lama, si bodoh yang bahkan tak sadar kalau pipinya sudah tercoreng tinta. si bodoh yang masih saja cekikikan genit di depannya. si bodoh yang tak bisa mendengar teriakan hatinya..

"Jangan pergi, Ra.."

Z.

Dilema

Seiring waktu berjalan, Gema dan Tara sering menghabiskan waktu bersama. Bersama dalam suka maupun duka. Benih - benih cinta diantara mereka pun tumbuh tak terelakkan, benih - benih itu tumbuh semakin besar setiap harinya. Namun, tak satupun dari mereka yang mampu mengutarakannya. Hingga mereka hanya mencintai dalam diam, berharap suatu saat salah satu dari mereka mengutarakan perasaan.

Hingga pada suatu saat, sosok masa lalu dari Tara datang dan memberikan semua yang tidak ia dapatkan saat bersamanya dulu. Tara merasa rasa yang dulu hilang kembali muncul, akan tetapi ia tak tahu harus bagaimana. Hatinya ingin bersama Gema, namun pikirannya ingin memberikan kesempatan kedua kepada Ardi, seorang pria yang pernah menyakiti hatinya.


                                                       S.

Gamang

Tidak bisakah untuk tinggal sesaat, sementara, atau .....

Hari ini tepat setahun sudah, Gema dan Tara saling mengenal. Setahun silam, dimana Gema dan Tara berkenalan pada musim pertama ajang Festival Karya Seni Anak Muda di kota. Gema, pelukis yangmulai mengasah bakatnya di karya seni sejak di bangku SMA bertemu Tara, hanya seorang gadis yang menikmati karya seni selain karya ibunya yang seorang pelukis namun berhenti melukis karena suatu hal.

Tara terpaku diam melihat salah satu lukisan Gema. Lukisan tersebut mengingatkan ia pada seseorang yang masih lekat pada ingatannya. Sangat lekat. Tara hanya yakin akan satu hal pada saat itu. Ia ingin bertemu dengan Gema, sebuah nama yang ada pada lukisan tersebut.

Gema hanya melihat dari kejauhan sebuah pemandangan yang jarang ia lihat, seorang gadis yang menatap karyanya dengan tatapan aneh seakan mengerti suatu hal yang sebenarnya hanya ia yang mengerti akan lukisannnya. 

Tara menoleh,

Gema pun memulai ...

Gema dan Tara berkenalan pada saat itu. Saling mengenal. Saling mengisi. Saling memiliki cerita yang selalu ada untuk saling diceritakan satu sama lain. Hingga pada saat ada tokoh lain datang, Gema dan Tara memiliki cerita yang berbeda...

R.

h a p p y

HAPPY.
What makes you happy last year?

Me? Hmm taking back last year, the moment that I'm happy it's always about love~ Hahaahaha my friends usually slap me if everytime I took this word.

But tonight I just wanna share a little, how I spend my end of the year with happy feeling.

I've been chatting with someone who I knew him for a long time. But he contacted me 3 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel up sometimes I feel down. He keeps trying to know me more than he knew me before. As long as I'm doing fun with him, I'm happy. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy at the same time. Oh! And he sent me voice messages that lulled me to sleep. And he keep doing it until now, sometimes when we get bored. Hahaha but it's really fun.

Well after all, I'm happy for this moment until now, this early year. Lesson learned for 2014: you taught me anything. I'm not gonna take a fast prediction for anything. I just wanna slow it down. For a remember: the things comes easy never last long and the things that actually do last a long time are never easy to come by~~~

R.

happy, sad or whatever

Well hello 2015!!

Actually i'm not in the mood to write anything. But for the sake of our blog, here we go..
Shara decided a little difficult topic to write -,-. I'm too lazy to recall what exactly the greatest things that happened to me in 2014.

Maybe i'll just talk about family.
Yeah this year I've spent a lot time with my family. Went somewhere or did something together. It's pretty fun. Realizing that we never had a chance to spending time together, coz our schedule never match. I thank God for this..

So the greatest things were... well i have no idea! LOL. For sure!
For what happened in the last year.. happiness, sadness or anything else. For every single things that God gave to me. I thank you god.

I'm looking forward for 2015.

ps : I can guarantee Rani will give you all (readers) more tips about love, life and etc.

xoxo
                                                                               Z.

sadness over happiness

Being happy is a state of mind, you’re happy if you think you are.

I’m the one who brought this theme up, but I’m the one too who doesn’t know what to write haha. At first, I wanna write about him (pts guy) but then I thought that he’s not worth to write. I don’t denied that he brings a happiness to me last year, even for a month but he also the one who bring me down. Drown into the sadness.

So, here it goes.  I’ve spent an entire year with monkey, even if we lost a few months but in the end we found each other again. In case you’re wondering, no we’re NOT going back yet. We’re just friends, yap just friends. As you know, he brings a lot of pain to me but he brings a lot of joy too. He makes me cry a lot, but within a few second he makes me laugh again.

Ladies, if you find a man who makes you cry and laugh after that, just keep it. Don’t take him for granted like I do, because you’ll be sorry later.

We spent a lot of time together, he always there to help me. He make things a lot easier, I don’t have to do anything. Maybe this is what happened, if you’re having a long term relationship, it feels great thoo.

I am a moody person, my mood could swing just in a snap of finger, I’ve spent a lot of time in a badmood. But he always there to cheer me up, he dance like crazy and sang lagu dangdut “aku bete sama kamu, aku bete dicuekin, aku bete dianggurin, aku bete bete”. And this never fail to make me laugh, even till now. Or he just simply looked at me in the eyes and said “ciye ngambeek, ciyeee ciyeee”. And there are plenty of things that he's done to make me laugh, and he never fail, even once.

He’s some kind of scary looking guy, but he has a good heart. He makes me happy. Thank you monkey for the happiness you bring. I enjoy spending a lot of time with you, even when you’re angry. Xo!

                                                                    S.

                                                                                                                                                                                         

Harapan - Berharap - Mengharapkan - Diharapkan

Aku pernah merasakan manisnya diharapkan oleh orang lain
Aku pernah merasakan manisnya berharap kepada orang lain
Aku juga pernah merasakan pahitnya harapan yang hancur berkeping - keping...
Dari sini aku belajar bahwa berani berharap berarti berani untuk jatuh dan kecewa...


Tahun ini, aku banyak berharap.. Berharap kepada seseorang, teman ataupun keluarga. Mereka yang membuatku merasakan pahit dan manisnya kehidupan, dan mereka yang membuatku sadar bahwa sebuah harapan yang berlebih hanya akan menghancurkanmu perlahan, hingga kau akhirnya sadar bahwa harapan - harapan itu hanyalah omong kosong belaka.

2015...
Aku tidak mau banyak berharap, aku hanya bisa bekerja sekeras mungkin untuk mewujudkan semua mimpi - mimpiku, harapan orang tuaku agar aku cepat lulus dan menjalani hidup yang lebih baik..

Aku sangat berterima kasih atas apa yang sudah terjadi di tahun ini, untuk kamu yang menyadarkan aku arti dari sebuah hubungan, untuk teman - temanku jika memang mereka pantas disebut teman, untuk keluargaku yang selalu mendukung semua anganku, untuk para sahabat yang tidak bosan mendengar semua cerita dan keluh kesah. Aku tidak menyesal atas semua harapan yang telah hancur, aku hanya akan mewujudkan harapan - harapan lain yang jauh lebih baik untukku di masa depan.


                                                              S.

harapan

Sebuah kata yang selalu muncul setelah suatu kejadian muncul. Entah baik atau pun buruk. Ketika kejadian baik muncul, ada harapan untuk tetap menjadi kejadian yang baik atau lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Dan ketika kejadian buruk datang, harapan untuk kejadian yang baik setelahnya itu yang diharapkan. Siapa juga yang mau dengan kejadian buruk datang. Ya mungkin bisa diartikan di setiap kejadian selalu ada harapan-harapan didalamnya.

Diperlukan usaha dan juga doa. Usaha yang bagaimana? Doa yang bagaimana? Ya tentunya hanya diri sendiri yang tau harus bagaimana.

Untuk penghujung tahun ini saya pun memiliki harapan-harapan untuk di setiap kejadian, seperti saya berharap tugas akhir cepat selesai untuk lulus tahun 2015 nanti, walaupun revisi skripsi saya masih berantakan, saya yakin dengan usaha saya memperbaikinya di tiap waktu pagi, siang, sore,malam, ataupun kadang dini hari, akan berbuah manis nantinya.

Saya juga berharap dengan kejadian-kejadian di masa lalu saya dengan orang-orang yang tidak bisa bersama, saya harap tidak akan muncul kembali maupun teringat kembali untuk kehidupan saya yang lebih baik. Walaupun ada rasa kesal maupun sesal pada saat itu, saya tetap bisa memaafkan kalian. Terima kasih untuk kalian, tanpa pengamalan seperti itu saya tidak dapat belajar sesuatu. Saya masih tetap pribadi yang sama, namun sudut pandang saya berkat kalian berubah. :)

Tak lupa juga saya selalu berharap kepada keluarga dan teman-teman yang saya cintai tetap berada di dekat saya. Tanpa kalian saya memang tidak berarti apa-apa. Memang terdengar klise, tapi benar adanya bahwa hanya dorongan dari orang-orang terdekat lah saya masih bisa seperti ini menjalani hidup. Saya pun merasa sangat bahagia akan hal itu.

Akhir kata, selamat tahun baru 2015, semoga tahun baru dengan harapan-harapan yang baru ini dapat menjadi acuan kita semua untuk mengarah ke kehidupan yang lebih baik.

R.

asa..

seringan kapas, melambung tinggi
kasat mata namun ada..
banyak yang masih percaya. menggenggamnya erat
menggantungkan harapan padanya..
namun tak sedikit yg acuh.. memilih menjauh..
tak ada lagi asa..

Harapan..

Tergantung bagaimana kau bergantung padanya
Sejauh mana kau percaya
Merelakan ekspektasi-ekspektasi tak bergaransi

Merelakan yang hancur kembali utuh
Menanti ia yang akan mereparasi

Genggam ia dengan erat
Jangan kau lepas lagi..
Meski ekspektasi berakhir keji
Kau masih dapat tersenyum dan berjanji

Tak kan kulepas lagi..
 
                                                                                 Z.

the new beginning

2014..

I started this year with so many resolutions to do, so many expectations about this and that. The plans that just remain as 'wacana'.
But I've learned a lot too.. Yeah a lot..

people say : "we don't need any kind of that shitty resolutions for the year ahead, coz we will just end up doing nothing"

Well.. I DO still have my resolutions..
In 2015 I'll graduate from college ( a thousand of AMIN).. wish could be slimmer, and getting closer to Allah (sorry for being 'sok religius' ).

I believe..
There's always a way..
for them who believe
for them who try harder..

"Karena ribuan kembang api di langit bukan hanya sekedar pemborosan, bukan hanya sekedar perayaan.. mungkin saja terselip doa-doa dan harapan yang kau titipkan pada tuhan"

Ps : 2015.. please be nice :)

                                                                                  Z.

What a year

2014. what a year

I started this year with happiness, my family and the loved ones are around. Happy as hell, that's the only thing that i felt.
But, day by day I'm starting to lose one of them. Especially the loved one.
Sad. Of course
But..
There's one thing that makes me sad these few days. The few days left to the new year.
I feel betrayal, unfairness, the bittersweet of friendships.
Eventho one of my bestfriend said that "friendship has no judgement, if they judge you, then they're not your friend" but still, someone didn't understand that. Ah whatever shit, I'm gonna live my life the way it is.

Setiap hari gue berdoa supaya diberikan teman yang terbaik, dan dijauhkan dari teman yang buruk, dan semoga gue bisa jadi teman yang baik untuk semua orang.

 Of all the terrible things that happened this year, has taught me a lot. I know where I stand, who to trust. Sometimes to stand higher than you've ever been, you have to get knocked down than you ever were.

I hope next year and the years ahead, i can be a better version for me, my family, my love ones, and my friends.
Cheers to everyone that i love and haters of course!!

                                                                   S.

New year ahead

2014

is the year I've learned everything.

All the good with the bad things beside, teach me something.

Well I speak from experience, more you get happy sometimes you get some sadness moment behind. Bham! After all I've got some cute-happy-relationshit at that time and suddenly I lose it. I don't know why it feels like you ate an apple. It feels sweet and fresh when you eat it and then group of little worms is in that apple when you didn't see it and you hate apple since that moment. And then you never try to eat apple again.

About education. I've spent almost 5 years in college and still I haven't graduated yet. Still stuck with my undergraduate thesis and I hope can get graduation next year. 

Talk about next year?

Idk until next year's eve comes. And every January 1st, I always talk with myself: ''This year will be different, and I can do it this time!'' Hahaha but sometimes, New Year's resolutions are bullshit. 

In that case, please don't get your resolution push you. Throw away of those list, and just fine the way you are, enjoying, accepting and loving the things that make us different from other people.

R.

Letting go

This happens to most everyone.

From the moment I was born, my family had set a framework for whom I'd become and I'd do with my life.

Lately, my mind has been on my mind a lot. Do you know what I mean? Like I can't stop thinking, and I'm worried that all of the thinking I'm thinking about might drive me to the point where I'm not able to properly think anymore, does that make sense? And yes I think it does.

Overthinking about your past, still remaining at your present, can't get out of the situation and you just feeling so much pain. Because what? 

I've done things in my life that I have later regretted.

When we regret our past, we are suffering. And when we blame someone else, we just like hurting ourselves. So while we regretting and blaming what has been done, why don't we just to letting go of regret? 

Well I can't take the credit for solution. But time heals anything. You can just go with the flow, don't ever look back again and keep moving on. 

R.

If only..

If I could turn back the time, I will definitely going back to my senior high school time.

No, not for some crazy stupid first love that I haven’t finished yet, or some memories that I won’t forget.

I just wanna save my future.. yeah my future..

This is not about saving the world or anything that you’ve seen on movies.

I just wanna save this kind of little stupid naive girl, -YEP! THAT'S ME- , for being such a useless, desperate human in the future.

Wenn I met her, I'll ask her or even begging on my knee.. just please.. please don’t go  that way..

I’ll tell her in advance, I’ll tell her how sucks that building is, how hard the life I lived. I’ll do everything to prevent her..

Well, who has the time machine? Rise your hand please..

here I am sitting with laptop on my lap.. writing about something that might never be come true..

worrying about this and that, wondering about the past…

regretting..

dear future me,

im sorry, I’ll try harder..

Z.

I. Will. Never. Do. That. Again.

Everything happens for a reason, that's what people say. But still i have no idea what's the reason behind this.

I'm not regret for everything that happened in my life. but i do regret the way it went.


Oh, if i could turn back time, i wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't cheat on him
And he wouldn't judge me for everything

Now, I'm just standing here
Seeing this in a clearly view.
Damn, i wish I'm not made that decision.

But then, it already happens.
All i can do right now is fixing myself and everything that have been broken.

And for sure, i will never do that again.

                                                                                                                                          S.

The L-word

Here i am, sitting at my room. Checking on my phone, waiting for a message. From whom? A guy that I've broke his heart a few months ago? Yes indeed..
Yes and yes we're texting again, I know what everyone's thinking and they called me stupid of course. Ha! 

These few days, I've been thinking a lot..

Is this what i really want?
Is he the one that i love? For real?

Did i really want him back?

After everything I've done, did i deserve love?

Some people say that, it's not love until it makes you stupid and foolish.

ps : my friends would kill me right now, if they know the truth haha!

                                                          S.

About feeling

You often feel something, but express something else.
You mean something, and say something else.
The feeling that you've ever had is still doesn't make sense.
Well, I'm not someone who generally likes those things.

Here's what it feels like when it happens:
You feel warm in your cheeks, your stomach sort of like exploded, then your heart starts to race.
It's something of a habit of mine and many people.

For the example: 
When you've ever date someone, and crush on him/her at the first sight, so this is the beginning. At the beginning of the crush, you can't stop thinking about this person. And your only goal is: to be near them as much as possible and when you are, you've never been happier at that time. Your mind, your world, your sense is about them. Sometimes you need to worry about this feeling. It takes you up and down like a roller coaster. But you still get fun on that.

Don't need to hurry. Simple like that. Slow down in the beginning, take some time to get to know the person before you go all in.

And the last, you don't have to take every crush seriously. Not all of the crush is sweet, there is a terrible crush too. Ha ha I don't mean it. But yes, people stop loving people all the time. And you need to accept that. You have to learned that, and sometimes you try to stopped you own heart and back to your real sense.

Last but not least, I can pretty much guarantee, when you success control your emotions, your feelings, your senses, your heart, and your mind, you can enjoy your love trip with no worries at all.




all of them is what I've learned in the past, and now I am really back to my sense.

R.

bicara cinta

kau dan aku saling pandang malu-malu diantara bangku-bangku berlengan nyaman di sebuah kedai kopi,
atau ketika mata kita saling bertemu diantara kerumunan manusia yang memenuhi sebuah bis tua.
di lain waktu, kita akan mulai saling bicara, sepatah dua patah kata yang berujung sebuah cerita.
mungkin sekedar pasar malam atau hanya warung tenda pinggir jalan, tapi tak masalah asal kita berdua.

kata orang, itu cinta..

namun tolong jelaskan apa namanya?
malam-malam sendu tanpa ada lagi cerita
mendengar rintik hujan saja membuat mu ikut menitik
atau ketika kau ingin menangis tersedu-sedu, meraung penuh rindu tanpa ada yang tahu

masih kah itu cinta yang sama?

atau kita hanya sekedar tertipu oleh cinta
perasaan menggebu-gebu yang salah kau artikan
kebetulan-kebetulan menyenangkan yang berakhir kenangan

ini bukan tentang cinta yang salah, mungkin ini memang bukan dia..

Z.

berkawan sendiri

mengeluh dalam sepi, mencari sepi dalam keramaian

menjadi sendiri tidak selamanya buruk, sekali lagi tidak selamanya buruk.
untuk apa pergi ke sana kemari bersama seseorang atau mungkin sekumpulan orang
melakukan hal yang sama, bersama
namun tak ada esensinya?

cuma buat nemenin

begitu dalihnya..
terlalu menyedihkan ketika menyadari kehadiran ini hanya sekedar penawar kesepian bagi seseorang.

lebih baik berkawan dengan sepi itu sendiri
lebih baik temani dirimu sendiri

"egois!"

mungkin kata itu yang kerap kali akan terdengar,
akan tetapi, memang nya mereka tahu apa?

Z.